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Kleenex / Civilization and its Contents

edited September 2019 in Other

As I grabbed a Kleenex (synonymous for facial tissues in the US) this Someday morning (actually, I think my exact millionth lifetime grab), my tortured mind cascaded with memories, ramifications, implications, associations and (of course) observations about the flimsy excuse for a handkerchief that has been my faithful companion and intimate helpmeet for seventy years. Who else has ever been so willing to come in contact with my nose under the most adverse conditions?

The fact that i have paid it so little attention as an almost critical part of my life only suggests the enormity of what I have missed while cruising thru a life of sex, drugs and matzoh balls. So, now it is time to give the devil it’s due. But where to begin?

Well, I wish I could remember the first Kleenex I grabbed on my own. Obviously, my mom (a leading devotee of the product, from whom I inherited an emotionally troubled and regularly dripping proboscis) applied it to parts of my body I no longer consider appropriate usage for such a high quality item. My mom was a godsend for Kleenex. A walking ad with an omnipresent white tuft of adoration and comradeship sticking from her cardigan sleeve like a saturated carnation. So what’s so great about it? Dammit, it’s fucking soft!

But there is so much more! Rather than bore you with details I will merely list the strata of society
that have a love hate relationship with something that used to be simply called a tissue: Environmentalists, Clean freaks, Hygienists, Ad agencies, Branding historians, Common cold sufferers, Women and their makeup (removal), Psychiatrists’ offices, Emergency substitutions used by folks in the woods... and on and on. Personally, I am saddened, in an environmental way, that I have caused the death of so many Kleenex producing trees, and I hereby officially apologize to them, but hey... it was for my nose after all!

And let us not forget that, in its own realm, the Kleenex is the Brahmin in the caste system of paper products, where paper towels lie somewhere in the middle and toilet paper the Untouchables. And it deserves that pinnacle of paper spirituality, though, like H.G. Wells’ Eloi, it has evolved into helplessness in the face of life and disintegrates under the slightest stress.

Life before Kleenex... well, best left unspoken of except to mourn the demise of the monogrammed hanky, so oft dropped in passive amorous pursuit, the friendly sharing
for the mopping of tears, blood and sweat, and the millions of snot gilded rectangles washed by unheralded housefraus and domestic servants for centuries.

Before this cascade turns into a full blown fugue (btw, upcoming album of Fugue Machine fugues in the next day or so... listen with a box of Kleenex handy... so beautiful or boring you will want to cry) I leave you with this one wind advisory... so much of life goes unnoticed. All the stuff taken for granted. All the people. All the help we get from millennia of cultural and industrial evolution. All the pleasures missed while going after the important stuff. All the enjoyable scrutinies missed by simply forgetting to look at the little things. Well.. it just makes me want to reach for a Kleenex and marvel that it is always there. Happy Sunday, guys.

Comments

  • The Kleenex brand name applies to so many products – which particular type of product are you thinking of here?

  • Surprisingly obtuse @u0421793. But I still love you.

  • The only Kleenex we’ve had in the house this decade is toilet tissue, but we’ve found a preferable brand instead. My wife once bought a pack of Kleenex pocket tissues, but they’re ridiculously expensive for what they do, so we found a better brand instead. It’s a bit of an arbitrary brand name to hang an entire discussion about without even detailing which of the products you’re talking about, and why that brand only?

  • I guess it is my error, @u0421793... in the US Kleenex is a synonym for tissues (I thought I was pretty clear in my comments I was talking about facial tissues). Anyway, substitute any or no brand, the humble tissue goes pretty unheralded considering the service it provides. That is it in a nutshell. I will amend the copy to make it clear, however.

  • The great Serge Gainsbourg was able to use it as a rhyme and make it sound so musical.

  • Excellent piece of writing on a product that is present in nearly every room in our abode. Allergy sufferers unite! I often wonder - by using this product so much, am I stimulating the mucous membranes in my nose to produce more runoff thus needing more Kleenex?

    Happy Sunday @LinearLineman

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  • I love the off topic forum 🙂

  • I worry about toilet paper. How did we get to a state of civilisation where we have to tear off bits of soft paper from a roll, and scrape it across our bums, and that constitutes a success? If aliens ever landed, I dread having to explain the QWERTY [1] keyboard to them, and secondly, dread having to explain toilet paper to them whilst also maintaining that we’re, you know, the civilised race on this planet.

    [1] or AZERTY or any of the other equally ludicrous layouts of typewriter keyboard. They were laid out like that so as not to jam the typewriter hammers. Since then we’ve evolved through Selectric golfballs, daisywheels, dot matrix, and would you believe, now it’s all on screen. Why on earth do we still persist with that layout? Even on every fucking phone soft-keyboard! Aliens would piss themselves laughing at the explanation.

  • This is the best Kleenex

  • @jankun, I miss France for you. Such a beautiful face.

  • For @u0421793 and others (maybe?) in the lingua franca of these here United States Kleenex is to paper hankies as Hoover is to vacuuming etc.

  • In America, certain brand names have become the blanket term for the thing itself:

    Kleenex = facial tissue
    Coke = cola flavored soft drink
    Q-Tip = cotton swab
    Band-Aid = adhesive bandage

    There are others but I struggle to think of them at the moment. I can walk into any store in America and ask for a Band-Aid and they'll know immediately what I need. Dunno how common these are in other parts of the world though...

  • @Daveypoo said:
    Kleenex = facial tissue
    Coke = cola flavored soft drink
    Q-Tip = cotton swab
    Band-Aid = adhesive bandage

    Here alternate...

    Kleenex = Expensive snot rag.
    Coke = Bricks for home fire.
    q-Tip - Band fronted by Paul Young.
    Band Aid - All time best-selling Xmas single.

  • @UnoWoo said:

    @Daveypoo said:
    Kleenex = facial tissue
    Coke = cola flavored soft drink
    Q-Tip = cotton swab
    Band-Aid = adhesive bandage

    Here alternate...

    Kleenex = Expensive snot rag.
    Coke = Bricks for home fire.
    q-Tip - Band fronted by Paul Young.
    Band Aid - All time best-selling Xmas single.

    What?!?

    I thought Q-tip was from A Tribe Called Quest.

    And how come no

    iPad = home computer

    ?

    😛

  • Q tip is a white haired Floridian retiree.

  • @CracklePot said:
    I thought Q-tip was from A Tribe Called Quest.

    Q-Tips after Streetband and before Paul Young was...Paul Young. :)

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Q-Tips_(band)

  • edited September 2019

    @Daveypoo said:
    In America, certain brand names have become the blanket term for the thing itself:

    Kleenex = facial tissue
    Coke = cola flavored soft drink
    Q-Tip = cotton swab
    Band-Aid = adhesive bandage

    There are others but I struggle to think of them at the moment. I can walk into any store in America and ask for a Band-Aid and they'll know immediately what I need. Dunno how common these are in other parts of the world though...

    More of a local family thing...

    Ski-Doo = snowmobile
    iPad = tablet (until my folks bought an actual tablet / joined the cult, this is what they called their Kindles)

  • A police friend of mine told me he was always suspicious of a man alone in a parked car with a box of Kleenex tissues!!

  • @Jomodu said:
    A police friend of mine told me he was always suspicious of a man alone in a parked car with a box of Kleenex tissues!!

    ;0)))

    Yes, for some the face can be way below the belt

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  • @Max23, Texas is not necessarily the poster child for higher consciousness in the US, but it is a wasteful and polluting nation. In Turkey they now charge for every plastic bag when you grocery shop, but, believe me, it ain't for the environment.

  • In Turkey they now charge for every plastic bag when you grocery shop, but, believe me, it ain't for the environment.

    In UK also charge for bags. Uno still forget own bag, buy more plastic. ;)

  • I thought this is what sleeves were for?

  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
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