THE STAGES OF IPAD MUSICIAN DEVELOPMENT

Oral: During this stage the personality works on overcoming initial skepticism that the iPad can be a serious musical instrument at all. For most people this question was settled several years ago, but there are those who continue to ignore the inevitable and just keep working in the desktop stage, missing out on the touch experience (and spending 10 times as much on software).

Anal: At this point the user becomes obsessed with the iPad as the new answer to everything. The older desktop or hardware ways are eschewed as the user makes a vow to henceforth work only "in the slab," no matter what it takes, no matter how many hoops through which one has to jump. The desktop is dead. Long live the touchpad.

Phallic: Musical masturbation, basically. Like any new toy, ecstatic obsession sets in.

Latency: Eventually the artificial creative boost generated by the new toys begins to wear thin. The user comes to realize that, damn it, certain things are still just so much better on the desktop. Others press on "in the slab" (usually for lifestyle or budget reasons).

Genital: The intercourse of desktop and tablet reaches maturity, spawning the perfect balance between hardware and software, desktop and tablet, real and virtual. Sort of.

The biggest challenge at this stage is simply keeping up with the continual barrage of brilliant new apps that keeps coming down the pike while still finding time to make music or do anything else! "Yes, I'll get back to work, just as soon as try out this new super app that's going to replace everything I ever wanted or bring back some lost vintage thing that I can't go on without."

«1

Comments

  • edited November 2017

    @Lady_App_titude I had been thinking of something similar with Kübler-Ross and her five stages of grief but this is FAR better.

  • edited November 2017

    @JohnnyGoodyear said:
    @Lady_App_titude I had been thinking of something similar with Kübler-Ross and her five stages of grief but this is FAR better.

    LOL. Thanks for a much-needed chuckle in the middle of a gloomy day.

  • Transcendence: BM3

  • Standing at the side of the superhighway with a sign that reads: WILL WORK FOR ITUNES GIFT CARDS.

  • So when does the hardware come into play haha cuz thats what iOs did for me. Must have hardware to sample the slab

  • edited November 2017

    haha!
    ends with Oedipus killing his ipad (or maybe his dad. not sure now)

  • LOL - thanks for the chuckle Lady-A

  • I'm way too deep into the ANAL bit myself.

    Wait.....

    Did I say that out loud?

  • I did not expect to be aroused when I entered this thread. Yet here I am with my pants at my ankles.

  • @ipadthai said:
    I did not expect to be aroused when I entered this thread. Yet here I am with my pants at my ankles.

  • @mrcanister said:
    haha!
    ends with Oedipus killing his ipad (or maybe his dad. not sure now)

    The killer awoke before dawn, he put his earbuds on
    He took a selfie in the ancient gallery
    And he scrolled on down the screen
    He went into the screen where his IAPs lived, and...then he
    Paid a visit to his iTunes account balance, and then he
    He scrolled on down the hall, and
    And he came to a door...and he looked inside
    Father, yes son, I want to Studiomux you
    Mother...I want to…fi-i-i-i-i-inger your surface!!!

    a LOT!

  • edited November 2017

    I’ve just come out of latency, and back into genitals.

    After a few years of unbridled iOS excitement, the novelty (and financial incentives) wore off and I drifted back to Maschine/Komplete.

    Whilst acknowledging that’s the place to do the heavy lifting, I’ve been tempted back into the iPad genitals - courtesy of amazing new apps by Brambos, BM3, even Samplebot, for generating raw meat to feed the desktop beast.

    The best of both worms.

  • You forgot the final stage:

    Nirvana - I no longer play any music of any sort. I only imagine it in my mind and spend the rest of my time on the Audiobus forum and purchasing apps on the AppStore

  • Do you use toys to stimulate or get off?

    I use a Bamboo Stylus.

    I mostly rub it in circles until the knobs twisting make the noises that allow me to know I am on the right spot.

  • @Lady_App_titude said:
    The biggest challenge at this stage is simply keeping up with the continual barrage of brilliant new apps that keeps coming down the pike while still finding time to make music or do anything else!

    That is a pre-iOS way of thinking. Before iOS, we got an instrument and played it for years and honed our skill on it. We made entire songs and performed in what was known back in the day as "bands."

    Nowadays, however, songs have been replaced by loops. Learning an instrument is as useful as cobbling shoes. It's all about buying apps, learning them half-ass, getting confused by the MIDI, creating a couple of loops, letting your wife listen to them as she nods half-wakingly in approval, and moving on to the next app.

  • @ipadthai said:

    @Lady_App_titude said:
    The biggest challenge at this stage is simply keeping up with the continual barrage of brilliant new apps that keeps coming down the pike while still finding time to make music or do anything else!

    That is a pre-iOS way of thinking. Before iOS, we got an instrument and played it for years and honed our skill on it. We made entire songs and performed in what was known back in the day as "bands."

    Nowadays, however, songs have been replaced by loops. Learning an instrument is as useful as cobbling shoes. It's all about buying apps, learning them half-ass, getting confused by the MIDI, creating a couple of loops, letting your wife listen to them as she nods half-wakingly in approval, and moving on to the next app.

    I’ve found learning apps a quarter ass is more fulfilling

  • @RUST( i )K said:
    Do you use toys to stimulate or get off?

    I use a Bamboo Stylus.

    I mostly rub it in circles until the knobs twisting make the noises that allow me to know I am on the right spot.

    Bamboo? That’s why pandas are so horny

  • @Arpseechord said:

    @RUST( i )K said:
    Do you use toys to stimulate or get off?

    I use a Bamboo Stylus.

    I mostly rub it in circles until the knobs twisting make the noises that allow me to know I am on the right spot.

    Bamboo? That’s why pandas are so horny

    No

    They are into coz play and roll playing.

    You know the whole mask thing that pandas have.

  • @RUST( i )K said:

    @Arpseechord said:

    @RUST( i )K said:
    Do you use toys to stimulate or get off?

    I use a Bamboo Stylus.

    I mostly rub it in circles until the knobs twisting make the noises that allow me to know I am on the right spot.

    Bamboo? That’s why pandas are so horny

    No

    They are into coz play and roll playing.

    You know the whole mask thing that pandas have.

    Ah yes, raccoons must be similar :)

  • @Arpseechord said:

    @RUST( i )K said:

    @Arpseechord said:

    @RUST( i )K said:
    Do you use toys to stimulate or get off?

    I use a Bamboo Stylus.

    I mostly rub it in circles until the knobs twisting make the noises that allow me to know I am on the right spot.

    Bamboo? That’s why pandas are so horny

    No

    They are into coz play and roll playing.

    You know the whole mask thing that pandas have.

    Ah yes, raccoons must be similar :)

    Ah they are.

    Kinkly little fools.

    And people in the hills and far out regions in the US eat their penis as an appetizer.

  • @Arpseechord said:

    Bamboo? That’s why pandas are so horny

    Sometimes a stylus is just a stylus.

    Other times it's RMX.

  • @RUST( i )K said:

    @Arpseechord said:

    @RUST( i )K said:

    @Arpseechord said:

    @RUST( i )K said:
    Do you use toys to stimulate or get off?

    I use a Bamboo Stylus.

    I mostly rub it in circles until the knobs twisting make the noises that allow me to know I am on the right spot.

    Bamboo? That’s why pandas are so horny

    No

    They are into coz play and roll playing.

    You know the whole mask thing that pandas have.

    Ah yes, raccoons must be similar :)

    Ah they are.

    Kinkly little fools.

    And people in the hills and far out regions in the US eat their penis as an appetizer.

    Oh no! The thought of it is sickening
    There’s a nice raccoon family that comes by my backyard once in a while. A mother and three pups
    Not keen on squirrel eaters either

  • @Lady_App_titude said:

    @Arpseechord said:

    Bamboo? That’s why pandas are so horny

    Sometimes a stylus is just a stylus.

    Other times it's RMX.

    Spectrasonics groove module, very nice!

  • @ipadthai said:
    That is a pre-iOS way of thinking. Before iOS, we got an instrument and played it for years and honed our skill on it. We made entire songs and performed in what was known back in the day as "bands."

    Nowadays, however, songs have been replaced by loops. Learning an instrument is as useful as cobbling shoes. It's all about buying apps, learning them half-ass, getting confused by the MIDI, creating a couple of loops, letting your wife listen to them as she nods half-wakingly in approval, and moving on to the next app.

    Ouch, he says, nodding.

  • @RUST( i )K said:
    Do you use toys to stimulate or get off?

    I use a Bamboo Stylus.

    I have a stylus by a company called ‘The Friendly Swede’ which is a bit like a transformer. A smooth and sensual fibre tip, unscrews to reveal an ultra sensitive round plastic tip, and back at the top... a hidden ballpoint!

  • @Arpseechord said:
    Not keen on squirrel eaters either

    >

    Yeah. I’d imagine the tail gets stuck in your throat. :)

  • edited November 2017

    @Zen210507 said:

    @Arpseechord said:
    Not keen on squirrel eaters either

    >

    Yeah. I’d imagine the tail gets stuck in your throat. :)

    :) Yes, but when your furniture needs a little dusting it can have its advantages

  • edited November 2017

    There's also double penetration.
    Wherein you try an app and love it so much you buy the hardware equivalent. Ripplemaker, model15, zmors and quantum. My wallet's not happy at all :cry: so many purdy lights though.

  • edited November 2017

    @gonekrazy3000 said:
    There's also double penetration.
    Wherein you try an app and love it so much you buy the hardware equivalent. Ripplemaker, model15, zmors and quantum. My wallet's not happy at all :cry: so many purdy lights though. !

    Yup. Seriously tempted to grab the desktop version of Gadget while it's 50% off.

  • @Hmtx said:
    You forgot the final stage:

    Nirvana - I no longer play any music of any sort. I only imagine it in my mind and spend the rest of my time on the Audiobus forum and purchasing apps on the AppStore

    Oh lordy! I cannot believe I have only just started with this forum? I feel like I have found my home lol. Hmtx ur comment has been me for the last 4 years. I have finally got going with loopy and audiobus and several apps this week but the stuff I needed to buy to do it is bordering on ridiculous! I have now got the “midi guitar thing” bug and I’m drooling over hardware loopers such as the EHX45000. That M audio - control 49 controller keyboard looks awesome too....my GAS is bad today peeps.

    Seriously though has anybody actually managed to make any music and not just the same loops over and over?? Can anybody recommend any iOS musicians who actually manage to do the verse chorus middle 8 thing that these so called “bands” used to do?

Sign In or Register to comment.